Today we’re talking about expressing emotions without losing your cool.
This simple insight is what has flipped the script in helping me create a sense of wellbeing and ease in my life and relationships of all kinds.
And I know it will do the same for you.
Let’s dive right in
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How to get better at expressing emotions without losing your cool
Blog Post after the jump
Your Feelings & Emotions Aren't As Important As You Think They Are
When it comes to feelings and emotions, I’ll start by saying that we give them more importance than they deserve.
Strange to say that but stick with me and let me unpack this thought.
When it comes to expressing emotions, we start with the basic premise that:
Because we’re feeling them, they MUST mean something.
And if they mean something, then we must DO something about them.
Especially when it comes to heavy emotions like anger, resentment, rage and the rest.
So in our attempts to DO things about these emotions…
Some of us have knee-jerk reactions and allow ourselves to get dragged around by our emotions.
Some others find ways to suppress the emotions, bypass them or avoid them.
We put labels on emotions and feelings. And we categorise them into “good”, “bad” and “okay” to experience.
But what if there was actually a middle way?
Could you actually look at emotions and feelings in a different way?
What if it was okay to feel ALL Emotions?
And what if you could express them without BECOMING them?
Because you see, trying not to feel all the emotions passing through you is where the problem starts.
And trying to decide how to FEEL these emotions is where confusion reigns.
Putting labels on emotions and deciding which are okay and which ones aren’t is where chaos in your mind begins.
There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion or feeling.
Feelings are just pure energy that passes through you. They come from the thoughts passing through you moment by moment.
As human beings, we interpret events as they occur and put our own personal meaning and spin on them.
From that perspective, we then have feelings and emotions about the meaning we have attached to the event.
That in effect is how we create our emotions.
So if it isn’t someone or something outside of you that is creating the emotions you feel…
How can you express feelings without letting yourself get pushed around them?
And how can you feel and express them without taking crazy actions that you will most likely regret?
By simply noticing them for what they are.
And understanding that:
Because you feel the emotion, it doesn’t say anything in particular about you or your self-worth.
It also does not have the level of priority or importance that you give it.
So there’s nothing you need to do to “fix it” or “correct it”
It will pass on its own.
And your default nature of innate calm will rise back up.
You will have a new thought about the event and a new feeling and emotions will come up around it.
Because that’s how we’re designed as human beings. That’s how the human mind works.
Our emotions about anything are fluid and temporary.
They aren’t permanent like a stone sitting inside of us. And one emotion isn’t more important than another.
Your anger and resentment come from thought. Just as your excitement about what you’re going to have for dinner comes from thought.
But somehow thoughts of dinner seems less powerful than thoughts that create anger.
But what I need you to see is that they both come from thought. Your excitement about dinner and your anger about an event that has occurred.
One is no more important than the other.
They only seem that way because you have decided that the thoughts of anger have more importance and mean something more.
But they don’t.
We can see a simple example of this premise with kids.
In one moment, they can have a huge emotional outburst and in the next moment, they’re back to their old happy selves.
With them, one emotion isn’t more important than the other. They’re all the same and get the same level of attention.
So how is this relevant to us and this topic?
This means as it is with kids, we’re born with a default of innate happiness and calm.
And we have the ability to see all emotions as the same without levels of importance.
But unlike kids…
We do have the power not to follow through with knee-jerk reactions in response to the emotions…
Knowing that your default is innate calm means that you’ll always get back to that innate space within.
It is what your system does – with or without your help.
Knowing this is what will allow you to navigate your emotions and life with grace.
It is what will allow you to feel ALL emotions passing through you without becoming them.
And it is also what will help you not hold on to stale emotions longer than you need to.
The beauty of seeing how we operate as human beings and our default nature means that…
You can give yourself permission to express your emotions without the knee-jerk reactions.
It means you can give yourself permission to feel initial anger about something…
And in the next moment, let the anger pass without judgement or attachment.
As you let the anger pass, you get to go back to your clear mind and a fresh perspective about the situation.
You get to become more assertive and coherent about what you want from the situation.
And you don’t spend time trying to suppress your initial emotion of anger.
When you allow emotions to pass through as they come, you bounce back a lot quicker and have less chaos in your mind.
And once you’re back to your default space you’ll notice if you care to see it, that :
The event started the maelstrom of emotions hasn’t changed. It’s just one event.
But the feelings and emotions you’ve had about this particular event has been fluid and ever-changing.
This is itself is your proof that the event is not what causes your feelings and emotions. It’s your changing thoughts about it that create your moment by moment feelings about it.
So knowing all this, let’s go back to the original question:
How can you express your emotions without losing your cool?
Well, in a nutshell, you can’t.
There will be times when huge amounts of energy and emotions flow through you.
Sometimes you will cry, rage and have anger about stuff.
And other times you’ll see something different about that thing.
It’s part of being human.
But knowing that these emotions are temporary and don’t mean anything specific about WHO you are and your self-worth is what is more important.
Knowing and seeing that they aren’t higher or more important than the millions of thoughts passing through you at each moment is the key
This knowledge is what ensures you have less knee-jerk reactions and do less damage to yourself and others when you’re in a low mood.
And it is what ensures that in the end you go back to that space within that is your default nature for a fresh perspective and sense of wellbeing. – ALWAYS
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