One Unusual Insight For How To Deal With Infidelity

Infidelity doesn't have to be the "ULTIMATE BETRAYAL." The decision on what happens after infidelity begins with how connected you are to your true self.
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By ELIZABETH ARCHIBONG

The belief that infidelity occurs primarily because a relationship is lacking in some way is a flawed one.

And so too is the conclusion that you must end a relationship because of it.

 

Everyone seems to assume that as soon as you find out about an affair, you HAVE to split up.”

Sometimes, there is pressure from so many angles to view infidelity as the ultimate betrayal meanwhile other betrayals such as neglect, contempt and indifference are things that a majority are happy to “cope” within relationships.

 

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about if infidelity is “good” or “bad.”

This is about getting you to a place where you can decide the future of your relationship with a clear mind.

It’s about getting you to a place where you move without the false expectations and premises we tend to carry around about relationships.

 

Today, I’m going to share a simple inside-out insight into infidelity and how to go about making decisions about your relationship from a place of alignment with innate wisdom.

Let’s get started.

Don't Want To Read ? Listen Instead. (10:28 mins)

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What people do or don't do is never ever about you.

Recently, for some reason, relationships are what people seem to be writing to me about.

And here’s one question that came up:

“What do you do when a significant other cheats on you?”

Most often, the knee jerk reaction is to have an outside-in reaction.

 

You’re hurt and you want to lash out or go into your shell and adopt a bunker mentality.

And sometimes, if outside voices are chiming in (as they do), you’re told that you’ve got to move on from the relationship because “you deserve better”.

Or, you’re told to stay but for reasons that are not fully in alignment with WHO you are.

 

In some cases, If you do choose to stay, you can’t seem to get over the betrayal.

You’re constantly suspicious.

And there’s also the worry that people around you will think you’re stupid and deserve whatever you get coming to you.

It stands to reason that if your partner cheated once, then they’re likely to do it again right?

You also begin to doubt yourself and ask if the reason they did what they did was because of something you did or didn’t do.

After the anger and hurt begin to fade, your confidence still takes a hit.

 

But here’s something we miss in all of this human drama:

“What people do or don’t do is never about you.”

 

Your mate cheating is never about you, though in some instances, they might try to make it seem so or you might assume so.

It is ALWAYS about the story that we tell ourselves about whatever is happening on the outside.

And it is also about the assumptions we make about what a relationship SHOULD be rather than what it is.

 

We have expectations that all our needs should be met by just one person.

That they need to “complete us.”

And when they do drop the ball, which they inevitably will because they’re human…

We believe that the relationship is lacking in some way.

And we start looking on the outside for something to “plug” the gap that we believe we’ve identified.

We all fall into the trap of simply being human. But some of us are just a bit more susceptible to getting dragged along by our emotions and taking them a bit too seriously.

Here’s the thing:

No matter what the situation is, everything depends on how seriously you take the thoughts that run through your mind.

How seriously you take those thoughts and give them meaning, determines how crazy, stupid and desperate your actions tend to be on the outside.

 

  • This includes stepping out / cheating on your mate.
  • Giving them the silent treatment and being passive-aggressive.
  • It also includes the constant need to please or the endless nagging and complaining amongst other things.

 

All of it stems from the same place.

We all simply fall into the trap of being human.

Some of us are just a bit more susceptible to getting dragged along by our emotions, taking them a bit too seriously and thinking we have to “do something” about them.

And hence, we take silly and drastic actions that result in dire consequences.

 

This is why sometimes you hear people say:

“I don’t know what I was thinking!” or “I don’t know why I do this?”

 

When asked why they cheat:

What people tell you a majority of the time is not that they were actively trying to find someone else.

Most often they’re trying to “find themselves” or find another version of themselves.

But a simple misunderstanding of WHO we are and how we create our experiences means we end up trying to do this from outside-in.

And one of those ways includes infidelity.

Knowing how and why infidelity can happen in relationships... does it mean it's okay to step out on your mate?

I’ll leave you to make up your mind about that.

That’s not what this conversation is about.

I’m not into the “right and wrong” or “good and bad” game.

That’s not what I do over here.

My game is “peace of mind” in whatever way it needs to come.

 

What this is about is getting you to understand that :

1. The more you can see the inside-out nature of everything going around you, the fewer burdens you place on other people or situations to help you “feel” a certain way.

2. This means that you’ll also blame yourself less for the actions that other people take.

Because you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. It’s also not your job to help them manage their emotions – no matter how much you love them.

 

What you can do instead is – given your insight into how we operate as human beings – to give yourself more space and time to see something different about

  • where you are right now.
  • about your cheating spouse.
  • what you want your relationship to be from here on out – whether you choose to stay or go.

 

Is it easy?

No.

But if you do choose to stay or leave that relationship, it won’t be because you’re getting dragged around by the running commentary going on in your head moment by moment.

It also won’t be because you’re chasing a feeling nor running away from a situation or feeling.

It’ll be because you are fully in alignment with yourself and the relationship is no longer in alignment with who you are.

Staying or leaving a relationship is always about how connected you are to yourself and not what others do or don't do.

The more connected you are to your source and yourself, the more that connection is reflected in the other relationships that you have.

Your relationship with money, your relationship with your mate etc.
That is how the system works at its core.

 

The problem comes when we expect other people – especially those we are romantically involved with, to “complete us” and do stuff so that we can feel okay.

They will inevitably fail because they’re human.

 

A majority of us tend to rely on the false premise that our partners must “complete” us.

Expecting your partner to do stuff so that you can feel better on the inside and not end up taking silly knee-jerk actions – like cheating on them…

…Is asking them to help you regulate and manage your emotions – which is impossible to achieve.

And at the other end of the scale, jumping through hoops so that your partner can feel “complete” and not cheat on you is also actively trying to manage and regulate their emotions.

It’s looking at things backwards.

 

Contrary to what the world thinks,

Whether your mate cheats or not is not in your control – no matter what you do.

Just as whether you stay or go is not up to them – no matter what they do.

Final Word On Dealing With Infidelity From Inside-Out

It always comes down to you and your connection to yourself as well as them and their connection to themselves.

Because at the end of the day there are 4 people in any relationship.

There are you and your mind that tells you stories of what is going on outside of you.

And there’s your partner and their mind inside them doing the same thing.

 

As you stay connected, you’ll begin to notice a few things:

  • that your mind is not as accurate as you may believe.
  • that the feelings you experience are very temporary and usually do not require you to do anything about them including yes, cheating on your partner.

 

Most importantly, that the things not in alignment with you – including shady relationships and partners that have reached their due date will either begin to upgrade themselves or fall away.

They won’t stay the same because the vibration and alignment to the situation have shifted simply by your consistent connection to self.

So, here’s to allowing yourself to be more connected to yourself and less worried about managing other people’s emotions.

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Hey there!

I’m Elizabeth Archibong. A Nigerian girl obsessed setting the rules on fire to create life and results from a place of ease and a path of least resistance.  I teach people how to see themselves more simply and accurately. So that they can create and get more of the things that they want.

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