When it comes to creating love that lasts and relationships that thrive…
…focusing and prioritising the differences in that relationship only makes you an expert on those differences and problems.
It doesn’t create the solution and harmony you crave.
Today you’re going to see how to connect with people to create healthy relationships that thrive.
This simple insight is what has got me shifting from avoiding people to getting along better with them.
Let’s dive right in
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Blog post after the jump.
"I don't think it's going to pan out...we're just not compatible"
I remember saying this years ago to one of my closest friends about a guy I’d just started dating
I had a list and mental image (as we all do) of all the things I believed had to be part of the “total package” before any relationship could be considered.
And if those things on the list were not met, then it explained why we were bound to have arguments and drama.
So, was there any point in moving forward with what was bound to be a disaster?
It’s funny because this is what almost every client that struggles with relationships of any kind starts with
I tend to hear:
“we’re just too different”
But the more I’ve been on this journey of living from the inside-out, the more I see that there is no such thing as “too different”.
The past few conversations in the tribe (weekly email newsletter) have been about creating from inside out…
But today, I wanted to shed a light on relationships and how “differences” fit within them.
Because we’re all so obsessed with pointing out our differences.
And we use them as a roadblock and reason for unnecessary suffering
I wanted to start pointing you to a different direction when it comes to “compatibility”.
And to get you to begin to see that it has nothing to do with how different you are but more to do with:
how you think and feel moment by moment.
Seeing something different in this area, is what will allow you to start getting along better with people around you without pre-conceived lists and mental images of what you think needs to be present before things can flow.
Compatibility is an illusion.
I’ll start by saying that…
Because it is based on mental images that we create around certain situations.
Psychologist, George Pransky uses a children’s song to demonstrate this thing about compatibility.
And here it is:
“Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean, And so between them both, you see, They licked the platter clean.”
Now, from one perspective, Mrs Spratt could have said:
“Well, jack and I are incompatible.
We can’t even agree on what type of meat to get from the butcher”
But from another angle, she could also say:
“Well, Jack and I are totally complementary to each other.
I can eat the parts of meat he doesn’t like and he does likewise for me.
So any piece of meat can and will satisfy us both”
So here’s the lesson here:
Incompatibility and complementary are just two sides of the same coin.
They are simply two conclusions of the same situation.
And the only thing that separates them, is “the feeling”
When we view our differences starting with a baseline of affinity and respect, the people that we deal with begin to seem complimentary to us
But when we start with a baseline of trying to prove discontent or dissatisfaction…
…Then incompatibility becomes a visible and tangible thing that MUST be overcome before peace can reign.
Respect and affinity are the feelings that turn differences in our personalities into assets in any type of relationship that we engage in.
They are what allow us to learn from each other and also make allowances for each other without becoming a martyr
Thoughts of incompatibility in any relationship only seems to rise up when the respect and affinity level in that relationship goes down.
What we see as incompatibility today is most often what we thought of as “a refreshing change” yesterday.
Today you might think your partner is “stubborn” but that same stubbornness is what in the past, you called “committed”.
And it’s why today, you might think they are “aggressive”…
… But in the past, you called it “assertiveness” – and it was sexy as hell.
Also today you think they’re being “unrealistic” but in the past you called that same outlook “optimism” and “free spirit”
Look this isn’t me saying that you should stay in a situation that may be harmful to you but what I’m trying to say is that…
…At the end of the day, we all want variations of the same thing.
We just want to feel close to the people in our lives and enjoy their company.
When we feel a sense of closeness, the differences don’t seem so large.
They are things that we can work with or work around.
It’s only when we lose our sense of closeness, that we begin to remember our long lists and mental images of what we think needs to happen before we can be happy.
When you start to feel that your level of affinity or closeness is low…
…That’s when you start trying to “fix” the other person, and create super long lists of what you think is missing.
Creating a Love that lasts starts with first developing a sense of closeness and affinity.
Ironically, starting FIRST to develop a sense of closeness and affinity is what helps you get more of the things that you want.
Because affinity and a sense of closeness is what leads to working better together.
It is what brings out the best in each person.
And most importantly…
…It is what can begin to motivate each person to focus on what is important to the other because they’re no longer feeling defensive about their position.
This is what ultimately makes it easier for joint and individual goals to start unfolding with ease.
Once again, this is not a call for you to hang in situations that are causing you great distress physically, mentally or emotionally.
Your innate wisdom will always guide you and it’s up to you to listen.
This is where the gift of freewill that we all have as human beings comes in.
But when all you have is a long list of mental images that you believe makes you incompatible with someone that was previously compatible…
… Then maybe you need to allow yourself have a change of heart about the “differences” that you’re currently seeing as a road block to peace.
So, here’s to the differences that ultimately make us complementary to each other.
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