Overcoming Self-Sabotage: How To Ask For What You Want.

Overcoming self-sabotage and asking for what you want starts with seeing that it's not your circumstances that create your emotions and results.
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By ELIZABETH ARCHIBONG

When it comes to self-sabotage, we’re experts at doing damage to ourselves in far-reaching ways.

In our quest to prove that we are who we say we are or aren’t who we fear we may be, we take actions that don’t serve us in the long run.

Today, I’m going to share insight on how to overcome self-sabotage.

You’ll discover how to ask for what you want and not what your mind tells you must happen to avoid future pain.

In effect, you’re going to become fearless in the face of others’ emotions and expectations – including your own.

Let’s get started.

 

Don't Want To Read ? Listen Instead. (7:50 mins)

Blog post after the jump.

portrait of woman on the beach with text overlay - stop sabotaging yourself. Say yes to you. No more people pleasing. Discover a simple insight to asking for what you want and being fearless in the face of others' expectations and emotions.

You can’t manage other people's emotions because it is based on the thoughts passing through them moment by moment.

So this week was a big week emotionally for me. I experienced huge waves of uncomfortable emotions.

Whilst I was aware of what was happening within my “system…”

It didn’t stop me from having urges to rage out and do damage to the person I was attributing the uncomfortable emotions to.

 

Underneath it all, I was knew the thoughts that brought this powerful emotion came because I was hesitant in saying what I wanted to say to someone.

You see, despite all I know about the human system, I sometimes still fall on default habits and thinking.

And one of those default habits involves me always trying not to rock the boat.

 

I’m always trying to find a soft landing for everyone.

I try for them not to feel offended about stuff that might seem harsh when I say it – even though it needs to be said.

In effect, I’m always trying to “manage” other people’s emotions for them.

 

And here’s one major thing that happens when I fall back into this habit:

I notice that my mind tries to predict future pain.

It tries to get me to avoid this future pain by changing my behaviour in the present moment.

So even though my innate wisdom tells me to take a certain action, my mind tries to tell me that I’m going to feel pain in the future.

My mind tries to get me not to do anything at all or to pull my punches to avoid this possible future pain.

 

The act of not doing anything or pulling my punches means I end up feeling constrained.

I end up feeling this way because not only am I trying to manage my emotions, I’m also trying to do the same for someone else.

And I’m also trying to predict how they’re going to act or respond in the future.

 

This is a heck of a burden to bear and it inevitably leads to self-sabotage.

Because at some point, the fuse will blow.

And the damage will be worse than whatever fake future pain your mind was trying to predict in the first place.

 

Here’s the thing:
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again;

It is not your responsibility to manage other people’s emotions.

There is no way you can predict what they’re going to think about anything.

Even if you’re cutest circus monkey that can jump through hoops in nanoseconds… you cannot keep people entertained long enough to predict what they’re going to think about anything in the future.

All this does is lead to self-sabotage.

And this leads to my second point which is:

Your hesitation in saying what you want to say or asking for what you want signifies that you’re seeking approval in some form from the other person.

Yes, I said it.

When you have problems asking people for what you want, It signifies that on some level you believe their response is directly linked to your wellbeing.

So when you spend all your time trying to predict their future response so that you can act like the circus monkey at this moment to get a favourable response…

That’s when the problem arises.

Because you have a missed the truth of your fundamental nature.

And that truth is:

There is no question you can ask, no comment you can make, and no response you can get from anyone that can affect your innate wellbeing.

You are safe and you are whole.

Always.

NOTHING can change that.

And the significance of this for us is that we can go ahead and say what we need to say and do what we need to do with detachment.
Because we know our wellbeing is already validated.

 

You are already secure.

Your wellbeing has nothing to do with any response you get from anyone at any given moment.

This doesn’t mean that you’ll be an asshole to everyone but what it does mean is that you become fearless.

It also means that you can have empathy for the person you’re communicating with.

You won’t take their emotional response seriously.

Your wellbeing is not linked to the responses or actions of others.

Your knowledge of how safe and secure you already are, means you don’t have to come up with a corresponding response to any emotional outburst they may have.

Their emotions are all about them and their momentary thinking.

Knowing what you know about how the system works, you know that they will fall back into the default of wellbeing once their current thinking settles down.

However long it may take, they will eventually settle down and there’s nothing you must do to make that happen.

Final Word on overcoming self-sabotage and asking for what you want.

So back to my story.


Amid this emotional drama that I found myself in, my innate wisdom gave me this insight that I’ve just shared.

It was like a switch going off.

Once I saw it, all the red hot rage and frustration melted away almost instantaneously.

 

I could see how I did want this person I had an issue with, to respond in a certain way.

How I didn’t want her to say “negative things” about me.

And also how I was hesitant to say what I wanted because I didn’t want to go through the drama my mind was trying to predict would occur in the future.

 

But getting this gentle reminder from my wisdom made me show up different.

I also saw her differently.

And I saw that any drama that may or may not occur was simply a coping mechanism that she may have in response to the situation.

It had nothing to do with me.

My wellbeing was and is already guaranteed, no matter the situation.

I felt extremely light in a way that I cannot describe.

 

There was no need to be aggressive and neither was there any need to go out of my way to be “extra nice” to soften the blow.

I could just show up as myself and lead with what occurs to me to do at that moment without making it a big deal.

And let me tell you that there is nothing more freeing than that.

 

So as we wrap up, here’s to you being fearless as you rest in the knowledge of WHO you are.

Here’s to you showing up, saying what occurs to you, asking for what you want, and doing what you feel led to do.

Showing up with a detachment that comes from an inner sense of knowing that you are already validated.

You are already safe and your wellbeing is already secure because you were born with it.
And nothing nor anyone can change that.

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Hey there!

I’m Elizabeth Archibong. A Nigerian girl obsessed setting the rules on fire to create life and results from a place of ease and a path of least resistance.  I teach people how to see themselves more simply and accurately. So that they can create and get more of the things that they want.

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